As someone who has been through domestic abuse, I’d like to compile an abuser checklist, written from the perspective of an abuser, to try and help people to understand that black and white is not our reality. There is a lot of grey matter when it comes to domestic abuse, and here is why.
As an abuser:
1.
When my victim/s try to voice their feelings
about the way I treat them, I can easily minimise their feelings and put it
down to them being “soft”.
2.
When my victim/s try to stand up for themselves,
I can label them as mentally unstable so they think they are the one with the
problem, not me.
3.
The patriarchal society we live in allows and
supports my behaviour.
4.
Male privilege and patriarchy usually mean that
my friends will laugh with me about my actions and further oppress my victim/s
instead of pulling me up on my inappropriate behaviour.
5.
I do not have to worry about money because I
earn it all so I have the ability to keep it all to myself.
6.
If I feel like I have lost control of my
dominant position in my relationship, I have any number of abuse tactics at my
disposal to regain my power and it is highly unlikely that anybody will stop me
from doing so.
7.
I can validate my behaviour by comparing my
relationships to others and my own experiences, pointing out how things are for
others and stating that “I turned out fine” when discussing my own experiences.
8.
I can blame my behaviour on my victims and most
people will back me up on that.
9.
I usually get everything I want because my
victims fear the consequences of non-compliance.
10.
I can rape and sexually abuse my partner and get
away with it because the law does not provide adequate protection for my victim
and society supports my sense of entitlement.
11.
I can pass off my “crazy making” of my victim as
genuine concern for their mental health.
12.
It may take years for me to get caught for my
abuse because my victim is too scared to ask for help. Because of this, there
is a high possibility that I may never pay for my actions.
13.
On the off chance that I am charged with an
offense as an abuser, the price I will pay will pale in comparison to the
damage I have inflicted.
14.
If my victim does manage to take out a
protection order against me, it is highly unlikely that it will ever be fully
enforced or that I will be charged for breaching it.
15.
If my victim gets the courage to ask for help,
the likelihood of them being taken seriously in the first instance is slim.
16.
If I assault my partner and I am a male, the
police are likely to sit around and “have a laugh” with me and turn into my
“mates”.
17.
I have the gift of the gab and generally say the
right thing, at the right time, to the right people to keep me out of trouble.
18.
If my victim has the courage to leave ne, I know
they are emotionally weak so if I play my cards right I can usually win them
back over.
19.
Denial is a powerful tool for me. If I deny
something for long enough I can usually convince others, and even myself, that
it did not happen.
20.
If I don’t want my victim to have a job, I can
cause trouble at their work so that they will lose their job.
21.
If I tell her she is a bad mother and tell her
that her kids will be taken off of her, then the chances are she will be too
scared to leave me in case what I say is true.
22.
If I limit who she has contact with then it will
be next to impossible for her to seek help.
23.
If I make fun of my victim in front of other
people, they usually laugh too because they don’t have the courage to speak up,
and this helps to keep my victims self-esteem in check.
24.
It usually only takes a “look” to get my victim
back in line.
25.
I usually get away with crimes because I can
make my victim back me up and take the fall for me. And if she “narks” on me, I
can resort to denial and make it look like she is making things up.
The only person who chooses abuse is the abuser. And with each piece of damage that abusers inflict, they make it harder and harder for the victim to leave.
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