I've always struggled with friendships, probably because I took issue with the mistreatment of my peers. I remember right back in primary school, desperately trying to fit in, so I played "spy" for the two "in groups", passing information backward and forward between the two groups, pretending to be the exclusive friend to each group. I just wanted to be liked. I mean, what wasn't to like. I fitted the stereotypical "normal" child. White, middle-class female, in a country school where our cultural population was made up of two Maori families and two Chinese families, technically speaking, I shouldn't have been the outcast, but I was.
Primary, intermediate and highschool were no better. I didn't fit in there either. At highschool, I made my first real attempt to balk the trend of "mainstream" and I joined the Automotive class at school. I mainly joined because someone told me the teacher was sexist and I had a point to prove. This decision in itself spelled the end of any view anyone might of had of me as "normal". Joining this male dominated class had me lablled squarely as the school lesbian and I was quickly segregated from any group. Even the "out group" didn't want me. I was a loner.
My first job, I was alienated because my mother was my boss. My second, third and fourth jobs, I was alienated because I was the only female. My third job was probably the worst because not only was I the only female, I was also the 2IC. A woman, in a man's world...in charge. Yeah, that went down like a cup of cold sick.
Through my early twenties, I intentionally sought to stand out. I had flourescent pink hair, I wore corsets (on the outside), biker boots, trench coats, I had a "staunch" dog and I dated the bassist from one of the local bands who had long hair and wore makeup. Crowds literally parted like the Red Sea did for Moses when we entered a bar. And in that time, I felt empowered by that. Little did I know it was false empowerment, I was hiding behind a look, a mask, a facade, trying to intimidate my way to being liked.
Roll forward to 2009 where I gave birth to my first child. A son. I balked the trend as a mother as well. I chose a natural, pain relief free birth, I chose not to vaccinate my child, I breastfed, used cloth nappies and followed an attachment parenting philosophy. In a town like Tokoroa, it was fair to say I had secured my spot in the minority group.
Then in 2011, I gave birth to my second child. A daughter. In my search for more support in my choices as a parent, I happened upon a Facebook page which would ultimately (and very messily) lead me to become apart of a wonderful group of like minded people. Critical thinkers who weren't afraid to stand out from the crowd and be "different". Finally I had a home.
My journey over the last 19 months since my daughters birth has been a dumpy, scary, yet insightful ride. I've had my eyes opened to the many areas of my life that have been "wrong" to me for my entire life but I've never been able to label it or know how to change it.
Through my own study (Diploma in Human Development) and the amazing group learning that happens with my like minded friends, I have now reached a place in my life where I feel I can share my story in the hopes of helping others to understand and right the wrongs in their life.
This blog will be a jumbled account of many, many different topics. I'll talk about whatever happens to come to mind. And somtimes I won't say anything at all. There is no specific target topic for me to cover other than for me to say this:
No comments:
Post a Comment